This year started off with amazing news. It was beyond amazing. And terrifying. But we were thrilled. We had finally done it. We made another baby. We've been tracking my cycles and trying for baby number two for a year and a half. We were excited. I found out on January 1st. What a way to start the new year huh!?
I ordered this cute t shirt and planned some fun family photos to make our announcement at the end of February. But something felt... different. Something wasn't the same as my pregnancy with Noella. We hit the 6 week mark and I was still full of energy and eating whatever without any trouble. With Noella, if I even looked sideways at food at 5 weeks I was feeling sick. I chalked this different feeling up to it just being a different pregnancy. Everyone is going on and on about how each pregnancy is unique just like each child is totally unique.
We made it to 6 weeks and 5 days when started spotting. We went to the ER and they checked me out and said it was too early to see much on the ultrasound but to take it easy and try to relax and sent me home. By Friday the bleeding had suddenly gotten heavier. I called Jason at work. I was hysterical. Noella heard me crying and came out to comfort me. She kept telling me 'Oh mama. Don't be so sad! Be so HAPPY! I love you!'. When Jason got home all I could do was sob. Our friend Becky came and took Noella for us. After she left Jason and I sat curled up on the couch and held each other for a while. We went back to the ER. I was certain I was losing the baby. They ran another blood test and sure enough, my hormone levels hadn't gone up at all. They dropped by 20 points from just two days before. I was so deflated. I was so sure that this wouldn't ever happen to me. I'm too young to miscarry. I had a perfectly healthy pregnancy with Noella so why couldn't I carry this one too? I felt broken.
They explained what I could expect physically and gave me some papers with symptoms I should come back in if I experience. They kept telling me there was nothing that could be done this early to prevent miscarriage and it wasn't my fault. That 20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. That it was most likely a chromosomal abnormality in the fetus and not anything I did. Then they sent us home.
That night was the hardest. I was up and down all night in pain. I had some pain medicine left from when I had strep throat. I took some and was finally able to rest. When I finally drifted off to sleep I dreamed of a beautiful little boy with dark hair and brown eyes. He called me Mama and I took his hand and walked down the road with him. I woke up in tears. How could Heavenly Father be so cruel as to give me this baby and then tear it away again? And then it hit me. Like a wave. I knew that baby boy would someday be mine. But not right now. It isn't his time.
In spite of this tragedy, I am somehow filled with more hope for our future. I know there's a plan for us. That someday we'll get to have another precious babe in our arms again. That someday Noella will be the best big sister the world has ever seen. We just have to wait. We're waiting on our rainbow baby.
I know this isn't the happiest of topics to write about after a long break from blogging but a part of me knew if i didn't write this down, it would get pushed into the deep parts of my mind and forgotten. I don't ever want to forget that for a few weeks I was a mama of two tiny humans at the beginning of 2014.