First haircut

Noella has had haircuts before. I trimmed her bangs up when she was about 18 months old and I've barely trimmed the ends to get rid of some of the split ends and even things up the tiniest bit. But I knew she was REALLY growing up the day she came to me and asked for a haircut in a SALON and NOT at home. 

Being the frugal mama i am, i called a few places around town. Most places charge an arm and a leg for haircuts even for little kids and i was worried that Noella, being only four, wouldn't have the patience to sit in the salon chair for two hours and i certainly didn't want to pay $30 for a first haircut. Sorry babe, but it's true.

Luckily there's a hair school right down the road so if she wanted to bail partway through, i wouldn't be out that much money.  I made an appointment and Noella was unbelievably excited.

She was pretty patient while we figured out what to do with her hair. I had initially wanted to cut it into a chin length bob but Noella was adamant that she wanted to keep her "Rapunzel hair" so we compromised with two inches off and some layers added in. 

Getting through the hairwashing was a bit of a struggle. Noella was unsure of leaning back into the bowl but finally relaxed once the water started to stream through her hair. 

It was hard for me to see her in that chair because my little mama heart knew she's just getting that much bigger. She's too cool for me to cut her hair now. She's too grown up and sophisticated. 

Watching her in that chair was a funny transition for me. She instantly went from my toddler into a pre-schooler. I've known for a long time that she hasn't been a toddler but there was something that just clicked for me when i saw her sitting up there in a 'real salon' chair. She just suddenly LOOKED so grown up and just... BIG. 

Noella was pretty enthralled with the big mirror in front of her. It was pretty funny to watch her watch herself.  She kept pulling finny faces and then laughing at herself. 

In the end, it wasn't a dramatic change but she looks just so darn grown up to me. But perhaps it is a case of mama-goggles. 

She sure has come a long way from her first trim in her high chair so so long ago. 

First Four

Oh my Maddie Lou. My second babe. My most needy babe. I love you and am so glad you joined our family.

The first few months of your life have gone undocumented because there simply wasn't time to blog it. I have lots of pictures and blurbs on Facebook and Instagram during small breaks in the day about your progress in life but actual written down documentation? Nope. Because you just wanted to be held. Or nurse until i thought i was literally going to dry up because there couldn't possibly be any more milk left but there always was.

You came into this world screaming and scared your sister. Yes, that's right. She was there when you were born. Well, not in the room but she was in the house. She was SO excited for you to 'pop my water balloon' and come play with her. She really didn't want much to do with you the night you were born because you were so new and loud but the next morning, oh, she fell in love. And she fell hard. 

 

She loves your tiny hands and feet and the way that you always burst into a smile when you hear her voice. Those first few weeks of your life she marveled at you as we all did. 

You just wanted to be held close. You wanted to smell me at all times. At times i felt like i was drowning in your love and not always in a good way. Your attachment was and still is fierce. There were many times when your poor dad took you so i could get a break for a few minutes and you wanted nothing to do with him but would calm as soon as i got you back. Your love for me is overwhelming at times but it's taught me so much about patience and endurance. 

At a week old I decided it was time to do newborn pictures. You were less than thrilled with the idea.

As time has gone on, you've settled into our lives and it seems like you've been here forever. You are amazingly strong considering you're so tiny. At just a few days old you were lifting yourself up off my chest for about 10 seconds at a time. You started to roll from front to back at only 2 months old! You're a champ at tummy time and i think that's mostly because you prefer to sleep on your tummy. At four months old now you will rotate and wiggle yourself around when you're on the floor towards whom ever is nearest. You're dang close to army crawling which is impressive but please, for the love of pete, slow down little one. I'm not yet ready to have you be mobile. You've recently started testing your vocal range and boy, can you yell! You like to yell at the animals on the jungle mat or the butterfly toy i've attached to your swing. I think you're mad because you can't get them into your mouth. 

 You still fit into your newborn and 0-3 month clothing. I get asked all the time if you came early and chuckle when i tell folks that you were indeed 3 days 'late' and they were the longest three days of my life. At your four month appointment you weighed in at 11 lbs and 6 oz and are exactly 24 inches long. 

 

We had a little trouble with nursing in the beginning but now, it's second nature. You have a temper that flares up and sometimes, the only way to calm you down is to literally shove your face onto my breast and you make these angry grunting sounds until the milk starts to flow and then you relax into it. If you're REALLY upset about something, you'll pop off every few seconds at first to let out a little angry cry then latch back on grunting away and after a few minutes, you go limp and let out little sighs between gulps. And those moments are bliss. At two months old you started to reach your hand up to my face and now your favorite thing to do while nursing is to gently wave your arm around until you collide with my face and explore it a little. Sometimes you'll stop nursing all together to gurgle and coo at me and boy does that just melt me into a puddle of mommy. 

 Nursing you is a bittersweet experience for me. I wasn't able to make it work with your sister so having this sort of relationship is new for me and it's made me shift in my feelings towards my whole mothering experience. I know, you're the second babe, i should have expected it to be different but i didn't realize that i would feel THIS different about everything. When everything seems so chaotic in life, taking those 10 minutes to nurse you changes my perspective. It forces me to slow down and settle into life again and realize that there are indeed things that i need to let go of. 

You came into our lives at a time when we seemed to need you the most. Your Daddy and I hoped for you for a long time and these first four months have been magical. You've grown so much over these first four months and you never cease to amaze us. Thank you Sweet Girl for choosing us, we're so so glad you're ours. 

Love,

Mama. 

p.s. i'm going to try to be more on top of blogging about you now that you seem to have figured out this whole napping thing.

Home birth- Madeline Louise

At about 24 weeks pregnant with Madeline, I knew that the relationship I had with my current OB wasn't working. I wanted someone who would have the time for me and take my desire for a natural birth seriously. I searched the web and stumbled upon the Birth Without Fear blog and read stories about women who had all sorts of birthing experiences from hospital inductions to c-sections to home births. The experiences that hit home with me the most were the home births.

There was something about the way that they described laboring in the comfort of their own home and everyone coming to them when it was time to bring that baby into the world that resonated with my desire to have a natural birth this time around. I was still some what disappointed with my induction experience with Noella and wanted to really be as healthy as i could to avoid having another one.

It took a little convincing of the Mister because child birth has so many variables and so many scary things that can happen in a split second. I talked him into at least meeting with the midwifes of All Bright Beginnings (Now Tree of Life Birth and Gynecology) and he was on board as long as things continued to be healthy.

My pregnancy continued without a hitch. My blood pressure and urine looked good, and i was feeling good (except a few times that i didn't drink enough water). We began to gather the birthing kit for home. I had my heart set on a water birth because i found water to be so relaxing when i labored with Noella so we bought a kiddie pool i found on Amazon that had wonderful reviews as a birthing tub. Noella was quite disappointed that it didn't stick around after the birth.

Christmas came and went with lots of nights spent not really resting because of prodromal labor, then the New Year (My due date) also came and went and I thought i was going to be pregnant FOR-EV-ER. I remember standing outside with Jason to watch the fireworks in our neighborhood and feeling so let down that this baby wasn't coming yet.

Three days later I woke up feeling odd. My back was tighter than usual and i was grumpy and restless. It was a Saturday and that meant one thing. Grocery shopping. I was up earlier than everyone else and had gone into the nursery and took a picture of my round belly on Instagram and noted that it was much rounder than it had been in days and i was indeed feeling little tightening contractions but i was sure they were going to go away as they had in the weeks previous.

We got dressed and headed out the door for breakfast at IHOP before we hit up Sam's club. I was thankful for the big breakfast later on in the day. At breakfast i noticed i was having regular contractions still. Not painful but i timed a few and they were about 20 minutes apart almost on the nose. By the time we were finished they were about 15 minutes apart.

We headed over to Sams club and i remember having to stop a moment every few contractions because i could either walk and contract or contract and breath. Apparently my brain couldn't handle all three functions at once. My contractions were about 10 minutes apart by the time we were ready to be in line. I was aware of them but they weren't painful yet. I still was sure that these would just disappear so i tried to not notice them. In the car they picked up to 8 minutes apart and by the time we were home they were about 6 minutes.

I was still in denial that this was in fact labor so i called my good friend Erin Moody who's had two marvelous natural births before to discuss what was going on. She assured me that it probably was indeed early labor and told me to keep moving and see what happened. I looked at the tile floors in my kitchen and knew what i was going to do.

Maddie had a habit of flip flopping from anterior to posterior frequently and if i wanted to keep these early contractions going and have a shorter labor, i needed to do everything i could to keep her facing my back so i pulled out the bucket and scrub brush and scrubbed the grout in my kitchen floor as long as my knees could take it.

I texted my Doula Kelly to let her know i was contracting regularly but i wasn't ready for her to come yet. I spent my time trying to stay on my feet and put things away and prep for the baby. By 3pm Jason had realized we still had to run to Publix and offered for me to go too. I didn't want to leave in case things became harder to handle so he packed up the Miss and took her with him and planned a little last minute date with her. I made myself some boiled eggs on toast because i realized i hadn't eaten since breakfast and let Kelly know that Jason was running out for some errands and that my contractions were 5-ish minutes apart. She said she was headed over. She arrived at around 5 and we made up the bed and put the adapter on the sink in preparation for labor.

Kelly suggested we go for a walk but it was the hottest day we had had in a while and the heat was making me nauseous so i opted to just pace the driveway instead for as long as i could take the heat. The sun was setting at that point and the sky was a gorgeous pinky orange color. After a bit we headed inside because i was getting hit with heat waves that made my contractions worse.

The air conditioning felt SO good. I pulled out my yoga ball and started to rock and bounce a bit. I felt Maddie move further down into my pelvis every few minutes. The phone rang twice while i labored on the ball and the second time the answering machine had picked up. It was Micah and Becky calling to see how things were going. Becky was going to come take pictures for me during the birth so she wanted to know when to head over. I called them back and said she could head over whenever she wanted.

I stood up to head to the bathroom since it had been a while since i last peed and was hit with a whopper of a contraction. I had to lean against the wall to get through it and then immediately bolted to the bathroom to puke. Boiled eggs and toast wasn't the best pre-labor food choice i guess... and with this being my second babe, my weakened pelvic floor let loose and i peed my pants. I got undressed and kind of yelled while contracting that i was going to hop into the shower.

The hot water felt good but my contractions also jumped from 5 minutes apart to 2-3 minutes and got much more painful. Well, painful isn't the exact word. My labor wasn't PAINFUL so much as a LOT of intense pressure.

After a few minutes i realized it was time to call the midwives. It was around 7:30-8pm and Kelly called them while i was in the shower. I got out and toweled off and sat on the closed toilet for a minute to labor then i heard my midwife Diane's voice. Becky had arrived too. Becky had brought an old bathing suit i left at her house and was instructed by me to cut out the crotch so i could use it to labor in.

I put it on and the tightness of it was super uncomfortable for me so i asked for this other old bathing suit my mom had sent me. It was far too big but that's what made it comfortable. Diane asked me to head into the bedroom so she could do a cervical check and do my vitals. I climbed into bed and got into position and was hit with another contraction. Rather than dive in anyway like the doctors had during my induction with Noella, she waited until it had passed. I was immensely grateful because there's nothing worse than a hand up your who-ha while you're trying to relax into a contraction.

I was 4cm and 100% effaced. I tried not to focus on the number because through my extensive research in preparation for this birth i know that that number means very little and could change very quickly.

I decided to labor on the bed for a while since i had been up and moving for a while and wanted to rest a bit before it was really 'show time'. My contractions were consistently 3 minutes apart and increasing in intensity every now and then. I had been having to loudly moan through contractions since just before i had showered and now i was surely loud enough that anyone near my house could hear me.

While i labored my doula stayed by my side to hold my hand and rub my legs through contractions. This was totally different than when i labored with Noella. I hadn't wanted anyone to touch me while i labored with Noella but this time i found that having someone near me was very grounding and helped me to focus on relaxing as my body opened up to let this baby out.

After a while i asked for Jason and he came and laid with me too. The poor man. I had indeed brushed my teeth after i puked but i was burping after each contraction and apparently it was AWFUL. But he toughed it out and stayed with me.

All the time i had spent in the shower and on the bed, Jason had blown up and filled the birth pool. Noella had really wanted to 'swim' with me in it but i wasn't ready to get in yet and it was late so she got to swim by herself before Jason put her to bed. She was THRILLED.

 At about 10:15 i was ready to get up and go into the tub. I knew Noella was in bed and i tried to be quieter while i waddled down the hall to the tub but as soon as i hit the doorway of our bedroom i was hit with another intense contraction with a heat wave and nausea. I moaned as quietly as i could through it and let out another burp.

The water was lovely. It warmed up my chilly legs and took all the pressure off of my back. I labored while leaning over the side for a while but soon the contractions started to get a LOT more painful. 

Once i turned over my contractions became more managable again. They had jumped from 3 minutes to about a minute and a half  apart within the first few minutes. 

I felt more and more out of control with each contraction and was now yelling to get through them. The pressure was intense but i kept telling myself that it would come to an end. There would soon be another break. My doula Kelly and midwife Diane had to keep reminding me to keep my tones lower and to relax in between contractions. I felt my face release at the end of each contraction. 

I got louder and louder and in my mind i kept thinking about Noella and wondered if she was sleeping through all this noise. (She wasn't) I shifted in the pool and contracted and my moaning was interrupted by a grunt. I had started pushing without even trying. Diane asked me if i was feeling 'pushy' and i said 'i think so' and once again a contraction hit and ended with me grunting. I could feel Maddie beginning to descend. 

I remember at one point feeling a slight burning and telling my midwife about it. Then i saw a flashing through my closed eyes and it immediately sent me into a world of pissed off until i saw that it was the flash light held by the assistant midwife to see what was going on inside the pool. I tilted my head back and tried to once again concentrate on relaxing and ignore the light. 

A few more contractions and Diane told me it was time to really push. I didn't want to. Pushing hurt. Pushing was worse than the contractions. Pushing felt scary and wildly out of control for me. Diane used her very best firm midwife voice and said "Erin, get back in control, deep breaths and PUSH!' and i did and felt Maddie's head delivered. One more push and she was all the way out. Diane told me to reach down but then told me to stop. She had her cord wrapped around her neck twice. Diane quickly unwrapped it and pulled her up from the water and placed her on my chest. 

After one small gurgly cry she let out her first full wail. She wailed and wailed and WAILED. She had a robust cry from the very start and was this tiny marvelous warm creature. She had the same cheesey vernix covering her sister did. She smelled differently though. She layed there in my arms with her eyes screwed shut and screamed for a few minutes while we all marveled at her. 

Jason cried. Oh boy did he cry. And it made my heart burst. I'm so lucky to have such a sensitive man in my life. 

After a few minutes I asked Jason to go get Noella. She was wide awake and sitting up in bed when he went in to get her. She came down the hall excited but unsure of what exactly was going on. It had been really loud with my yelling a few minutes ago and now there was a new sort of yelling going on from the tiny squishy babe laying in my arms. 

She quickly said hello then went to sit on the couch. She wasn't super thrilled with all the noise going on but she was happy to be awake and hanging out with the adults.  

After the cord had stopped pulsing Jason cut it. Noella was worried that it was hurting Maddie but we explained that it didn't hurt. Noella was adamant that it WAS hurting her because why else would she be crying? 

After the cord was cut, Jason took Maddie so i could get out of the tub to deliver the placenta and get cleaned up but it took a moment to gather towels so i sat back down. When i tried to stand up again, i again felt the urge to push and had delivered the placenta. After a few moments of sitting back down to make sure i wasnt going to pass out, i finally was allowed to go down the hall to get checked out. 

Everything was intact and looked good considering a tiny human had just pushed her way through so they told Jason he could bring the still screaming Maddie down to me so we could nurse and she could get weighed and measured. 

Madeline Louise Chauvin made her appearance Januaray 3rd 2015 at 11:26pm

She weighed in at 7lbs and 6oz and was 20 inches long. 

More on our first night and the newborn exam in my next post. 

This babe

This babe will be 3 years old in 8...erm... 7 days. (I say 7 because I'm writing this at 11pm and an hour doesn't count as a whole day. two hours, maybe) Can you believe it? I certainly can't. She rarely lets me photograph her lately with any semblance of eye contact so this was all I could get to commemorate this momentous occasion. (And it cost me 3 marshmallows.)

 She's crazy smart for her age and so SO tall. It's hard to believe she started out as 7lbs 3ozs of baby. I'm excited for this next year. She's learning so much and so eager to learn! She knows her ABC's and all of her shapes and colors. She's working on learning to write. She knows a bunch about the animals at Seaworld because it's her favorite place in the whole wide world. She knows how to negotiate and will wear you down until she thinks she's getting a fair deal. She's got her own ideas about EVERYTHING and oh, what a chatterbox! Every single time the phone rings she thinks it's for her. She calls her Gams at least twice a week to inform her on her daily life. (It gives me about 20-30 minutes to fold laundry or wash dishes so I don't mind too much.) She loves to make her toys talk and will persistently hand you a toy until you give it a voice. Her imagination grows by leaps and bounds each day.

(This one is my favorite) 

She continues to light up our lives with her determination, loving spirit and zest for life and learning. She is a fighter, this one. Mighty, mighty things are in store for her. 

We have some fun adventures coming up for her birthday so stay tuned for more! 

2014

This year started off with amazing news. It was beyond amazing. And terrifying. But we were thrilled. We had finally done it. We made another baby. We've been tracking my cycles and trying for baby number two for a year and a half. We were excited. I found out on January 1st. What a way to start the new year huh!? 

I ordered this cute t shirt and planned some fun family photos to make our announcement at the end of February. But something felt... different. Something wasn't the same as my pregnancy with Noella. We hit the 6 week mark and I was still full of energy and eating whatever without any trouble. With Noella, if I even looked sideways at food at 5 weeks I was feeling sick. I chalked this different feeling up to it just being a different pregnancy. Everyone is going on and on about how each pregnancy is unique just like each child is totally unique.

We made it to 6 weeks and 5 days when started spotting. We went to the ER and they checked me out and said it was too early to see much on the ultrasound but to take it easy and try to relax and sent me home. By Friday the bleeding had suddenly gotten heavier. I called Jason at work. I was hysterical. Noella heard me crying and came out to comfort me. She kept telling me 'Oh mama. Don't be so sad! Be so HAPPY! I love you!'. When Jason got home all I could do was sob. Our friend Becky came and took Noella for us. After she left Jason and I sat curled up on the couch and held each other for a while. We went back to the ER. I was certain I was losing the baby. They ran another blood test and sure enough, my hormone levels hadn't gone up at all. They dropped by 20 points from just two days before. I was so deflated. I was so sure that this wouldn't ever happen to me. I'm too young to miscarry. I had a perfectly healthy pregnancy with Noella so why couldn't I carry this one too? I felt broken.

They explained what I could expect physically and gave me some papers with symptoms I should come back in if I experience. They kept telling me there was nothing that could be done this early to prevent miscarriage and it wasn't my fault. That 20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. That it was most likely a chromosomal abnormality in the fetus and not anything I did. Then they sent us home.

That night was the hardest. I was up and down all night in pain. I had some pain medicine left from when I had strep throat. I took some and was finally able to rest. When I finally drifted off to sleep I dreamed of a beautiful little boy with dark hair and brown eyes. He called me Mama and I took his hand and walked down the road with him. I woke up in tears. How could Heavenly Father be so cruel as to give me this baby and then tear it away again? And then it hit me. Like a wave. I knew that baby boy would someday be mine. But not right now. It isn't his time.

In spite of this tragedy, I am somehow filled with more hope for our future. I know there's a plan for us. That someday we'll get to have another precious babe in our arms again. That someday Noella will be the best big sister the world has ever seen. We just have to wait. We're waiting on our rainbow baby.  

I know this isn't the happiest of topics to write about after a long break from blogging but a part of me knew if i didn't write this down, it would get pushed into the deep parts of my mind and forgotten. I don't ever want to forget that for a few weeks I was a mama of two tiny humans at the beginning of 2014. 

finding the joy

I realize I've been whining about how hard it is to be a mother lately. But. There's also joy to be found. Tons and tons of joy through the tantrums and suffocating attachments. Between the pleas to eat more than a bite for dinner and the 7th potty trip to avoid picking up toys.

There's indescribable joy.

When she asks to "reach me" for a squeeze for no reason what so ever.

When she says "Yuh you Mama. SO much" after a particularly bad tantrum.

When she says orange instead of "Gor-range"

When she willingly eats her chicken.

When she stops what she's doing to dance.

When she tries to avoid eating dinner by singing the ABC song 18 times in a row.

When she has a fit of joy because daddy is home.

There is so so many moments of joy to be found. And getting out the hard parts out of my head has helped me to appreciate them.

She's SO smart. She's SO happy. (Most of the time)

She knows so much and she's only two. She can count backwards from 10, identify colors and shapes. She can make a tower that is 15 blocks tall. She can allllmost jump.  She can identify tons of things just by sound like a door opening or a shower running. She knows the different sounds that a violin, cello, guitar and banjo make.

She amazes me everyday.

You'll never be alone again

Motherhood has taught me that I will never be alone again.

She's everywhere all the time. She reaches her little fingers under the bathroom door. She's pulling a chair over to the sink as I wash the dishes. She's peeking out of the window as I walk to get the mail. She's my shadow. My mini me. My long lost detached appendage.

And some days it's charming. Lately, it's been... suffocating.

Motherhood is hard. I accept that. I knew I was in for sacrifice and less "me" time. I knew for a while I wouldn't be able to pee alone during the day because inquiring minds need to know where I am at all times.

But something has changed in that darling babe of mine in the past few weeks. A bit of her independence has slipped away. She now needs me, my attention, my presence more than ever. I can't figure out what's gotten her so attached but I sure do miss having a tiny bit of freedom in my days.

She needs to "help mommy" with everything. Somethings she can help with like putting away laundry, helping to pick up things that don't belong in the dirt pile after sweeping (like that red block I asked her to pick up 108 times before I started sweeping). She helps out by putting dirty clothes into the hampers and can bring her dirty dishes to the sink. But there are some things that used to be just mine. A few chores that lent me a moment during the day that she's suddenly adamant that she join me in doing. Like the dishes. It used to be 10 minutes I was able to just think and stare out the window as my hands washed dishes in the warm water. A little break in my afternoon. Now it's a battle of the wills as to who will get that ceramic bowl to the sink first. She broke my favorite mug "helping". I kind of needed a moment after that one. 

It's lovely to see her taking an interest in the daily chores but it's also made them that much harder to complete. And Jason will tell you, there have been many days he comes home to things half finished because someone's "help" was a little too much. She has the hardest time listening when she's told to not touch something. She's learned to avoid eye contact when she's being redirected because if she can't see me, she clearly can't hear me.

Should I be complaining about this? Probably not. Are there kids out there that won't ever want to help? You bet. Does it make the control freak in me feel any better? Nope. I would just like a moment to do something without hearing "mommy!? I help you!?" 1,287 times in five minutes. That's all. And I would like to stop feeling guilty for not loving every minute of my toddler wanting to help me. Being as independent as I am, I need to do things by myself during the day.

This point in motherhood has me struggling. The clinging. The constant need for my undivided attention. I make sure I play with her. I build forts and build with blocks. We bake together. I color with her. We go on walks. We chase each other around the house and have dance parties. She gets tons of my attention and it just doesn't seem like it's enough, It feels like I'M not enough. She needs all of me and more. And most days, I am SO grateful Jason walks through that door at 6pm because I am drained.

Motherhood is hard. And whoever thinks it isn't can go stick their head in the sand.